Hello everyone! This is kind of a lot for one of my life update posts, but there’s been a lot going on lately and while most of it does not warrant a whole post, all of it together makes for kind of a long read; so pour some wine, find some cheese, and let’s do this thing.
First things first. The semester is over! I am so happy to report that my everyday is no longer preoccupied doing homework, or thinking about doing homework. I have a month and a half until my summer class starts and I fully plan to enjoy some of my time away from school, Darren and I even took two weeks off from work in June and are thinking maybe we’ll take a little trip! Anyway, I did well in both my classes (pulling off an A in one and a B+ in the other) and am happy to report that while I honestly almost withdrew from a class at the beginning of the semester because I didn’t know what FDI stood for (foreign direct investment), I put the work in and I figured it all out, my groupmates even told me that our report would have been “garbage” without me, swoon, seriously they were too sweet to me. Six credits down, thirty-nine to go, but progress is progress and I can’t help but feel a little proud!
On to the next, something that has been on my mind a lot lately… I STILL LIVE AT HOME. I’m 26 and live with my parents and while I have made a conscious decision to stay to help my mom and dad throughout my dad’s illness, some days I feel like a big old loser. Sure, I’m in school and working full-time and saving a ton for my future, but some days I feel so behind in life. Darren and I have been talking a lot about our next step, and while I feel like I can’t really commit to moving out, we’ve been talking about getting a “part-time” apartment. One he lives in all the time, and one that gives me the freedom to check on my parents and spend time with them and him as much as I like. I feel so conflicted because as much as I want my real life to start, I am so nervous to walk away from home only for my dad to suddenly get worse, or worse. The end already feels too near and I would be so heart-broken to leave my parents in the moment they need me the most. So while I love to hear Darren talking about our furniture and what color our walls will be, it also makes me a bit nervous; this is the part where I should mention that Darren is the best human to ever walk the Earth, and he loves me so much that he wants to do right by me in every way possible, like taking all the pressure off of me, and never making me feel like I need to choose between him and my mom and dad. Him asking me “Do you want to live with me part-time?” was the stuff of rom-coms. I am so excited for our future together, but also want to be practical. There’s also the matter of neither of us having our dream job, I’m scared that bills and rent and everything else might make us settle into staying for a paycheck instead of making our hearts happy, all I know is he makes my heart happy and I can’t wait to live with him, whether next week, next month, or early next year.
Guys, it’s a struggle for me to admit this, but lately I feel so sad, I think about my dad and my life and all the things I feel pressure to achieve and how I feel like I haven’t reached my potential, and I have days that I don’t want to get out of bed, not only that, but as someone who is known for their happiness, their smile, their optimism, on those days I feel like I don’t know who I am, and it is so hard. In moments that I used to be social and confident, funny and laughing, now I find myself blushing, looking for an emergency exit, and over thinking what I should say, while wondering if the whole world notices I’m a different person all the sudden, a person who trips over their words and moves their hands about anxiously, or if it’s just me that notices. I find enough energy to fake it for work, or for school, but sometimes I can’t fake happiness for myself and those I love the most. I feel like a total happiness fake on my bad days and I put so much pressure on myself to have happy days sometimes, that when I can’t muster up the ray of sunshine I’m supposed to be, I feel even worse.
All I can say, is that dealing with life is a lot like the weather forecast, things can change suddenly and unexpectedly, sometimes no matter how much we hope for sunshine, we get rain and although there is comfort in the familiarity of a gloomy day and the coziness it offers to a heavy heart, nothing feels as good as the sunshine beaming down as you close your eyes, smile, and exhale the bad, while inhaling the beauty this world has to offer. While there are bad, sad, rainy days, I will always be thankful for the sunshine that breaks the clouds and reminds me that 1 day is just that, and you have another 364 to find something to smile about, so find your sunshine because everything is going to be fine.
Anyway, I told you this one was long-winded.