Let’s talk friendship. Friendship is something that’s been on my brain a lot lately, and mostly the feeling that I’m failing at it. I’ve always believed that people come into our lives when we need them, and sometimes friends are just for a season, but lately I’m wondering if I only thought some friends outgrew me, and why I kept some friends around that were just absolute weeds.
Ironically, as it turns out, spamming the internet with life updates and posts about my dad has brought a few people back into my life, whether to tell me they can relate to my twenty-something blues, or to offer to be there for me in my time of need, I didn’t think I needed anyone I didn’t have, but something about hearing from my childhood best friend made me realize, when I picture my wedding day, I still picture her beside me, regardless of having not talked for nearly a decade.
It all started with a card I got in the mail last month, that left me thinking a lot about my past, about past friendships had and lost. It made me realize that there are too many friends I lost touch with over the years, making me think it was me not them. Then came the realization, that the truth is simple, when their lives got exciting, mine stayed the same, and I was embarassed, and I didn’t have exciting college stories to share because I was working full-time and staying up late studying and going to work again, and maybe it sounds silly, it feels a bit now, but honestly I was so jealous. When I went to community college, they went off into the world, as I worked more, their lives became more carefree, and when I graduated and struggled to find a job in anything related to English that might pay more than my retail job, they found their dream jobs, leaving me feeling once again a little embarassed and behind, in life and in everything. So, while I wish I had kept in touch, the truth is: it was me not them, my jealousy, my embarassment, and I still feel those things now when they ask me what I’m up to.
So here’s to the friend that tried to help me sneak a kitten home in my back pack when I was five, and to the friend who sang Taylor Swift with me on the 5 o’clock bus every night, and to the friend who drove the getaway car when I broke up with that guy.
Likewise, this blog has brought new friends into my life, whether prompting exchanges of direct messages and likes on Instagram, or people who feel like friends because they lost, or are dealing with losing a parent too, and their open hearts make me so full of gratitude.
I’ve made a new friend lately that feels a bit like an old one too. Maybe it’s because we went to the same high school and grew up in the same small town, but something about our shared interests and the fact that we strive to build each other up and never tear each other down makes me excited for a friendship fresh start!
As of late, I decided one “friend” I had wasn’t a friend at all and being bold and brave enough to admit that makes me feel like maybe I deserve some friends that make me feel worthwhile.
All I know is that life has a funny way of giving you what you need, whether new friends, or old friends coming back to you, but in friendship and life you need to know what you deserve too and friends that make you feel small, they simply won’t do.