Hi all! Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA as of late, but I’ve been busy and stressed and sadly, felt like I had a bit of writer’s block. The truth is, I prescheduled all of my July posts in June and I ended up scrapping almost all of them, as I just didn’t love them. Now that I’ve gotten to 100 blog posts, plus one – actually, I’ve had a look back and realized there are really only a few posts that I don’t have heart eyes over, I’ve convinced myself not to delete them, as they show so much growth and progress and serve as firm evidence that anyone can start a blog and turn it into something worth reading, fun to look at, and something that shows passion and purpose, but I’ve become so aware of how much I want these posts to mean that I end up feeling a little meaningless when I sit down to write them, so I apologize for the radio silence, but hopefully I’ve broken the block and am back!
Anyway, part of the reason I’ve felt so so so busy is my summer class, it’s only four weeks, but the workload is well, a lot, at least if you actually aim to learn the stuff, which I do, there’s definitely an easy-way-out option, but I want to do really well in school, so I’m reading each chapter, taking notes, and trying to learn all of the abbreviations, it’s a financial statement analysis class, and oh my god, the acronyms are harder than the math, who would have thought accounting was mostly letters, not numbers?! Anyway, I’m about half way through, so wish me luck there, as soon summer will be over and my fall classes will have started.
Other than that, I had a weekend off recently and ended up with a summer cold and feeling absolutely down in the dumps because I wanted to plan a fun filled weekend for me and Darren and we ended up watching Stranger Things in bed for most of it, which was still the best time, (we did happen to make it to the balloon festival, where I spilt wine slushy all down poor Darren) but what I admitted to Darren is that sometimes when I’m having a good day, a day where I feel happy and light and bright and free, I put so much pressure on myself to have fun and be the happiest I can be that I end up feeling so overwhelmed and end up doing absolutely nothing, which makes me feel like I failed at something. I don’t know if anyone else ever feels this way?!
I think the best way I’ve heard it explained is “imposter syndrome,” someone I follow on Instagram posted about it, “I was sat contemplating what to put for the caption of this image for so long & the reason I think I was struggling is because I have major imposter syndrome at the moment! I’m constantly doubting everything I’ve achieved, everything I’m working on business wise & everything I’m working on in my personal life! (Even down to second guessing if I should have said certain things, or ‘did I do that properly’ …) It’s such a peculiar feeling & nothing I do seems to make it ‘less so.'” (@zoesugg)
I know I don’t have ten million Instagram followers like she does, please I just hit 600, but I worry that I’m trying so hard to curate the picture of my life that I’m not doing life right. I feel a bit bizarre even writing this, as I realize what a big part of my life Instagram has become, but I find myself sat working on a caption days before I even post a photo, sometimes before I even have a photo to post, maybe it’s the writer in me, but then I’m left feeling a bit unhappy, I think my captions tend to tell you all a bit more about my real life and the daily struggles and sadnesses therein, but the photos I post definitely don’t normally show that, they show a happy, well-dressed, made-up version of myself, and sometimes when I look at those pictures I have a hard time recognizing that girl. The second-guessing of who I am and what I’m sharing makes me feel a bit fake, but also a bit like I’m two people at the same time, the one you see, and the one that types this in her pajama pants without makeup and with messy hair.
I especially felt this way at work the other day when a coworker thought it was apt to compare my hardships to someone else’s and said that I have an easy life, well, I certainly do try to make it seem that way, but I have been through stuff, I am going through stuff, and the girl with the resting-smiley-face at work doesn’t define who I am as a person outside of work.
At the same time, I choose every day to walk in the light, despite how much darkness surrounds me, but that doesn’t mean my life is brighter than anyone else’s, I just choose to see it that way.
For me, Instagram is a creative outlet, and I’ve found as my life gets a bit sadder, I want to create happiness for myself and others, and I think that that’s okay, but I want to maybe take some of the pressure off and be a little more candid with what my life really looks like, as imperfect as that may be.